Last month I shared with you my birth stories, and I found it to be a lot of fun to reminisce those births. Today I want to take the time to share with you our surprise story, which some people call a failed vasectomy. But now I can see this event as God being successful at doing some good work.
The beginning may not sound so wonderful, but let me tell you, we are more that excited and full of joy with our sweet little surprise!
I’ll be honest, I’m a little embarrassed to admit my initial feelings regarding our surprise pregnancy. Quite frankly, I don’t have a big family because I wanted to have oodles of children, or because I just love children so much, or because I’ve always wanted to be a mother (you can read about that transition here). And much of those feelings send me on a guilt trip of thinking I must be a “less than” mother.
Honestly, other than God displaying his awesomeness to me and others, I really have no idea why he allowed me to mother five children. Our story of having a surprise baby has more to do with God’s power than me being a “good” mom with a “good” heart. What you’ll read has more of my selfish desires, my raw emotions, and God stepping in to reveal himself in a mighty, yet gentle way.
Before our surprise:
After my fourth child, my husband had a vasectomy, followed doctor’s orders, received check-ups, and then was declared infertile. As my fourth baby outgrew her baby clothes, and items we gave them away permanently. I was then excited. I finally had storage space in my house, and I finally had a school room (which used to be the nursery). Having space instead of a new baby may seem trivial and down right selfish, but well…here I am…trivial and selfish, and in great need of a greater God.
Discovering our surprise:
It seems to me that most women would understand how I discovered our surprise. But I’ve had numerous people ask me, “How did you know you were pregnant?” Being frank, I missed my period, and the only times in my life that I’ve missed my periods were when I was pregnant.
Our initial reaction:
Shock, and disbelief was probably the best way to describe our reaction to our little discovery. Both my husband and I kept asking, “How did this happen?” Well, we knew how (as in the birds and the bees), but we didn’t know how (as in…he just had a vasectomy!)
At the time of our discovery, we were both under a lot of stress: I had a broken foot, was hobbling around on crutches, and dependant on friends to run my grocery trips for me. My husband was overwhelmed with work, which involved an out-of-town trip for a few days. We literally pretended that I wasn’t pregnant; neither of us were quite ready to wrap our brains around the change of plans.
My raw emotions:
After receiving confirmation through the home pregnancy test, I spent some time in tears. It was difficult enough to continue homeschooling with a broken foot, but add a pregnancy on top of that, and I often wondered how these children were going to be educated. My plans weren’t working out the way I thought they would, and I knew instantly that my plans for the next few years weren’t going to be what I wanted. Again, reveling my selfish nature. That I was more concerned about my plans rather than the life that was given to me. And again, reveling my need for Jesus to supernaturally intervene.
I didn’t shed tears just over plans, but also at the thought of ruining another child. At the time I was suffering quite a bit from mommy guilt, and felt that I was failing miserably as a mother. I could think of countless women who would do a far better job of mothering them, and these poor children had me.
Looking back I can see the irrationality of those feelings, but with skewed plans, roller-coaster emotions, and stress, it was what I felt. And the tears were shed to my heavenly father who I knew could understand. I also knew I needed to shed these emotions to the Lord, because bottling them up simply isn’t healthy.
I wasn’t alarmed with having these feelings, because after having my first child, God changed my unloving heart. And if God could change my heart then, he can do it again. So, I trusted him.
Shortly after my emotional reaction, I felt guilty. Here I am bemoaning having a fifth child, and there are countless women who are yearning for one child. How I’ve been blessed, and I was treating that blessing like a curse. That was a conversation I had to have with the Lord as well. The conclusion I came to though, was that my emotions were real, and as strange as it may sound (and may even sound appalling to some), the fact is the Lord gave me a peace to be upset over this for a short time.
I felt that he was telling me it was ok to mourn over the loss of my plans, as long as I was expressing that to him in a healthy manner.
It seems strange, and almost cruel to admit that, as if I’m stating having a child is something to mourn over. I don’t know that I can fully explain this aspect, but I can tell you that God confirmed with me that he would lead me out of these feelings. I knew that we would love, and welcome this baby into our arms.
I just didn’t know when.
What the doctor said.
When my husband went back to the doctor, the doctor told him that he was fertile again. Upon receiving that message I responded with, “I could have told you that! Tell him to tell us something we don’t know.” I still laugh at that! Of course he was fertile, because I was pregnant!
My husband chose to undergo a redo, where the doctor performs the surgery again. I was very curious about if my husband’s body had grown back together during this time period. But the doctor confirmed with me, everything was in its place. Nothing had changed, yet somehow, he went from infertile to fertile.
In the medical world this situation is described as a failed vasectomy, but my pregnancy wasn’t a failure. It was God doing what he does very well-accomplishing his goals for his purposes. No matter what our plans, he had a bigger plan, and displayed his capabilities not only to us, but to the world.
She’s our miracle baby.
The remainder of the pregnancy.
Because of my initial reaction, I was fully prepared to experience my entire pregnancy without feeling excitement about having another baby. As I stated before, I was confident that I would still love my baby even though the excitement wasn’t there. However, somewhere along the way, God changed my heart.
I knew I didn’t have to feel excitement for my pregnancy in order to love my baby, but he was gracious and gave me that excitement anyway.
I can’t tell you exactly when this happened, but by the end of the pregnancy I was looking forward to having another baby. I wasn’t expecting to experience that at all, but God is good, and he filled me with this joy.
Our cup overflows.
My husband says that with four children our cup was full, but now with our little miracle, our cup overflows. And it does. So many times I hold her and smile about our miracle baby. She brings such joy to us, and I marvel so many days that God chose to give her to us. Why? I don’t know, but what an honor, what a blessing to have her and the other children.
Our story is not about a failed vasectomy, but instead about God being successful. He didn’t just give us a miracle baby, but once again transformed a hardened heart.
Take heart, my friends, if you’re faced with feelings for your circumstances that are undesirable, and may leave you wondering what kind of mother you really are. Trust God with your feelings, and trust him to lead you to where you need to be. (←Tweet that!)
I’d love to hear your thoughts! Share what you think about our little miracle story. What’s something wonderful that God has done for you lately?